“What makes you feel most alive?” I was sitting in a group of people as we were playing the game of “Questions”, where a random question is asked of you and you must answer to the best of your ability.
This was the current question being posed to the group and many had great answers. Me? I had nothing. Nothing. “Come on, Molly. Play the game. Just tell them what makes you feel most alive.” But the truth of the matter was I had nothing. Mainly because most of my days consisted of getting up, going to work, coming home, watching TV, going to bed, and doing the whole thing over again. And “watching TV” didn’t seem like an adequate answer.
It was in that moment that I began to realize that I honestly didn’t have anything that felt life-giving to me. At least that I recognized. Life had become one long to do list where I was frantically running but never gaining any ground.Sure, I was busy, constantly doing things, but always had a sense of frustration that followed me.
To most looking on the outside, everything seemed normal and fine. But inwardly there wasn’t anyone there-at least that I could sense. It was as if I had become a human “machine”… I showed up, did the work, punched the clock, all while existing and not living.
I knew something had to change, but I didn’t know where to begin. Maybe if I add another commitment of service? Maybe I should read my Bible more? Pray more? And yet, more frustration. “I’m doing all of these things for you, God! These are the things I’m supposed to be doing! Why do you feel distant, and I feel overwhelmed and burned out?” These were my constant questions of the Lord. I knew something had to change, but didn’t know where to start.
It was a coming to an end of myself and my striving to earn what had already been given to me in Jesus. God was about to take me on a journey of re-learning about Him, His Word, His character, the Gospel, and how He, the Creator of the universe saw me.
*This is part one of a three-part series where I try to encapsulate what the Lord has done in my life the past three years. I’ve debated whether I should share all of this, but I do believe in the power of giving testimony to what God has accomplished to 1) give Him praise and 2) in the hopes that it might help another individual in a similar situation. This is simply my story.