I know I said that I would post the rest of my trip yesterday, but I feel that I need to post this more than the trip. So I promise to post the rest of my trip tomorrow (Friday).
Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was one of those days where nothing went right, and nothing looked right. I would have been happy to have not had any mirrors (internal or external) around me. For not only was I looking at the outside, I caught a glimpse of the inside, too.
Not many people realize this, but I struggle with insecurity. I struggle with my looks, my intelligence, my capability to do a job well, my ability to look at myself as God sees me. I’m not really sure when this started, it’s been around for a long time. But I can tell you that I know who keeps planting these thoughts in my mind, plain and simple, the enemy of my soul. If he can’t have me, why not try and make me hate myself? That way I will live in fear and do nothing for God.
Well, I had just about had it yesterday, I was literally disgusted with myself and my attitude. I’ll go ahead and be honest, I was miserable. I was talking with my mom about this, as she has told me over and over that I have to deal with this before it consumes me. She’s right, you know. She looked at me yesterday and said “Molly, make peace with yourself.” “You’re not perfect, never will be, just be yourself, and live life to the fullest.”
The words “make peace with yourself” stuck with me, so I decided to give it a try. At this point I was up for anything.
For as long as I can remember, I have never liked my physical build. I am built like my dad, and that means that I am a taller, bigger girl. I used to always wish that I could be the cute, petite girl that’s short and tiny. This has been a great source of anguish for me. So I decided to make peace with it yesterday:
“God, I like that you made me bigger. It helps to minister to other girls who are bigger, or overweight. I feel like I can relate to them better, because of my build. It’s worth it, if it means I can minister to them more effectively.
When I was eighteen, I started to get acne on my face. All throughout my high school years I never had it, not once. But that all changed by eighteen. I had to go on medication at age nineteen, and thankfully it helped, but I still struggle with the occasional blemish. I don’t and probably never will have clear skin.
“God, I like that I have acne. It also helps me minister to younger girls who struggle with it too. It gives me the opportunity to be an example that the clarity of your skin isn’t what’s important. If it means that I will be able to minister to them more effectively, then I gladly accept it!”
I’ve had some losses in my life, that have been very difficult for me to get over. I have allowed those losses to undermine my trust in God.
“God, I like and thank You that you allowed me to go through those losses. You had a greater plan in them. And you have made me stronger.”
I’ve also had some disappointments in life (who doesn’t), that I didn’t understand.
“God, I like that I’ve had disappointments. They have caused me to lean more fully on You, and to seek You more.”
And there have been times when it all seems to be falling apart. When God doesn’t seem to be near, or His answers to my prayers cause more heartache than peace.
“God, I like that you are not content to leave me where I am, and you sometimes create heartache for my good. You sometimes have to bring out all the impurity to the top, so the healing can begin. Thank you that You will not leave me like I am.”
“God, I like me.”
So, did it work? Am I suddenly free from all negative self-thoughts? Do I still struggle with insecurity? Yes. But I now have a plan of attack for when they pop into my head. And that is working.
So how about you? What do you like?
